I cannot be the person someone needs if I can’t control my feelings. Hard lesson to learn.

The universe is cruel to people that don’t deserve it. People who are not bad, but struggle, some days just to survive.

I still care, but I’m unable to put things into words right now. I am whining, yes, I don’t care. The tears are flowing again. It’s not felt like this in a long time.

But this is what happens when you remove the armor from around a vulnerable heart. A fools folly I guess. So I’ll leave it here to remind me to be smarter and a little less foolish.

I feel strong and positive for the first time in years. Reconnecting with an old friend, kind words, and just talking has lifted me up. It’s hard to put it into words how I felt before and how it’s changed now. But it feels almost tangible.

While I can relate to feeling like this at times, I can’t bring myself to the point where I trust no one. I hope I never get to that point in my life. What’s the point of living in that kind of world?

I keep my mind focussed on the people and things in my life for which I am thankful. I truly am thankful, I may not say it enough. Sometimes difficult to do when your brain lies to you. Anxiety and tears seem to come so easy. Is it really this easy to feel so terrible?

Why is it easier to see the potential and promise of success in someone else, but not within ourselves? Is the spark hidden so deep that we can’t see it within our own lives?

This is what I ponder late at night in an anxiety fueled insomnia while doing my best not to fall apart.

I am thankful for old friends though, without them I probably wouldn’t be here. May God bless them in the new year.