I’m noticing that my writing changes when typing here versus handwriting it in a journal. I’m much more descriptive in my journal. It feels more connected, like my soul is pouring on to the page.
I’ve been blocked for years as a writer. Feeling like I have nothing worth saying. I resolved in 2019 to write, to move beyond this blocked feeling, to write no matter what. I picked up creative writing books. I read them. I am not sure I totally agree with some the new age thinking in them. But I am writing again, 30+ journal pages and a few scattered blog posts in just 16 days is a win in my book.
I’m still finding my voice. Not sure what to write about most days, but I pour my heart and mind out on the journal pages. Going to force myself to do things to spark the writing bug. I may actually have to go outside again shudder. A friend expressed how they missed writing on LiveJournal. I couldn’t agree more. Blogging is a dead art, people opt for the short form social media of Facebook and Twitter. I want to change that for myself. Honestly, if I didn’t use Facebook and Twitter to keep in touch with friends I would abandon the platforms entirely. I’d rather write here.
I think I’ve written before about how I spent much of my time as a kid in hospitals and body casts after surgery. As a result I watched a ton of old TV shows. To this day I still love many of them.
Recently my satellite provider added KVME Los Angeles Channel 20, MeTV. I love it. It’s what TV Land used to be. They run many of the old TV shows I loved as a kid (and only those shows it seems). The station doesn’t seem to have a website and I don’t like linking to Facebook (need a wed developer folks?), so I can’t really link to them or I would.
I’m loving old shows like Mission:Impossible, Perry Mason, The Rockford Files, Hawaii Five-O (with Jack Lord), Wild Wild West, Star Trek, Batman, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and many more. The signal seems to flake out occasionally but I’m okay with it.
Sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough. No matter what they say.
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Well, in my attempt to make a change in my life I hit a couple of stumbling blocks. One, it looks as though I can get monetary help. But no sure if it will be enough to do what I plan. Two, what I want to do will take a healthy Internet connection. That’s a tough one to overcome, because I don’t have a decent connection. There is also not much I can do about it. Living out here in the outskirts of hell has the disadvantage of next to zero options for Internet faster than dial-up. Not giving up just yet, but it’s not looking good.
I decided today to try to make a change in my life. I took the first steps anyway. I don’t want to say more than that yet, I don’t want to jinx it. Some of you that read this will know what I’m attempting. But I’m nervous and already skeptical, as the information I requested still has not arrived. Oh well, benefit of the doubt I guess.
I have been unhappy for a long time. Unsure what to do to change how I feel or how to do it. Still not very sure to be completely honest. But I do know that sitting here with nothing to do and nobody to talk with has not helped me at all. I need to do something, just very unsure and not trusting my instincts on my choice. This could either be a really good thing or a bad decision on my part. If things aren’t totally screwed up my instincts are not to mess with anything. But I needed to do something or I might go crazy.
It’s been an okay week. I’m coming down from a productive week of outlining a story for a possible novel idea I have. I’ve worked on it in my head for some time. Finally getting the guts to commit it to paper, at least in an outline form. Not much, but a start. I’m actually happy that it actually got started. Now I just need to work through it.
I also packed for a trip tomorrow. Not like that’s hard, but I never seem to actually want to do it. Not sure why that is, because I’m always chomping at the bit to get out of this terrible and lonely place. My brain makes no sense to me sometimes. Still need to pack my small leather bag with notebooks, pens, phone, batteries, and other small little needs. One of which was a sewing kit, don’t know why I packed it. But I ended up lending it to somebody that needed it. Go figure!
The down? Well I’m just working through stuff. It got me at first, but I pushed through it. Which for me is an accomplishment. It’s still there, and might be for some time. But I’m moving forward regardless of how I feel. I do feel tired, but that seems to be my normal state these days.