“You’re focussing on the negative…Be mindful of your thoughts.”
“You’re focussing on the negative…Be mindful of your thoughts.”
I’ve been blocked for years as a writer. Feeling like I have nothing worth saying. I resolved in 2019 to write, to move beyond this blocked feeling, to write no matter what. I picked up creative writing books. I read them. I am not sure I totally agree with some the new age thinking in them. But I am writing again, 30+ journal pages and a few scattered blog posts in just 16 days is a win in my book.
I’m still finding my voice. Not sure what to write about most days, but I pour my heart and mind out on the journal pages. Going to force myself to do things to spark the writing bug. I may actually have to go outside again shudder. A friend expressed how they missed writing on LiveJournal. I couldn’t agree more. Blogging is a dead art, people opt for the short form social media of Facebook and Twitter. I want to change that for myself. Honestly, if I didn’t use Facebook and Twitter to keep in touch with friends I would abandon the platforms entirely. I’d rather write here.
It has come to my attention that I never really discussed an important occurrence in my life.
In October 2015 I had a heart attack. I was at a friend place in San Francisco, apartment and cat sitting. I felt sick, and I wrote it off as having a bit of a cold. I walked 4 or 5 blocks to the drug store and bought cold medicine. Getting home I settled in to watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine when I suddenly felt as if a weight were pressing down on me. No matter what I did I couldn’t move. I felt sick to my stomach. I finally felt well enough to climb into bed and slept it off.
The next day I felt off. No matter what I did I couldn’t shake the sick feeling, I thought maybe it was the flu. But something in the back of my mind said I needed to get checked out. I literally dragged myself out of a loft bed and down the ladder and out to the street to hail a cab to the nearest hospital.
I walked into the waiting room and was soon admitted to the ER where I then waited for 12 hours while test after test was administered. At around midnight I was informed that due to an elevated Troponin level I appeared to have had a heart attack and was admitted to the ICU. I did not have chest pain, chest tightness, I had what the doctor called an atypical heart attack.
I was scheduled for an EKG and an ultrasound of my heart. Later that night I received a visit from the cardiac surgeon telling me that I needed an immediate stent operation that had a 20% chance of killing me, that’s much higher than the rate detailed online. I’d love to ask the surgeon why mine was so high. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I for the first time in my life was confronted with mortality. After processing this information I told the doctor to schedule the procedure.
I really wish I could’ve had someone there with me. I probably would’ve handled things like the DNR order better. I elected to have a DNR order. I just didn’t see the point at the time. But I figured with the chance of death and or stroke, I didn’t want to be a burden to my family or friends.
During the stent procedure I had a single stent inserted in to my left cardiac artery. I spent a couple of days recovering in the hospital and then went back to my friend’s place. I noticed almost immediately that my stamina and coloring improved. I have since had what my heart doctor called a “full metal jacket”, three stents in the front artery.
I’m still being treated for symptoms and this was the reason for yesterdays stress test. I will try to you up to date on my progress.
I had my second nuclear stress test today. They pumped me full of radioactive stuff and stressed my heart to take video of how it is functioning. It left me feeling weak and dizzy for the rest of the day. The bummer is, I don’t get super powers.
The bonus is, I get fuzzy snuggles while resting. I’d rather it was a cute girl, but whatever.
Studying more ways to keep a journal. I know there is more I could be doing. Goals, money, personal time, etc. Don’t force it is what I’m finding. Swapping out journals at the beginning of the year. Which I didn’t do this year.
Topics are still difficult for me. Maybe some pages will be lists. Who knows, maybe a music journal, or other topics I haven’t found yet.
Starting 2019 with feeling grateful for the things I have in life. Nothing seems to go right, but I am thankful for family and friends, my dog Georgie, and that I have a place to lay my head at night.
I’m grateful that I get to spend mornings with my grandma having toast and coffee. She’s 95 and is an inspiration for how to live your life and be thankful for everything in it.
I wouldn’t be where I am today without my family. They have stood by me no matter the circumstances. I have a roof over my head and people who love me. I am proud to call them family. We don’t always agree, but we get along and love each other.
I’m thankful for my friend, Pepe. Always working hard towards his goal or pursuing art as his passion. He’s always got a kind word or an encouraging way of looking at things. We’ve been friends for almost 35 years, and I consider him family. We share a passion for writing, creating, and contributing our art to the universe. We share a love of comics, movies, conventions, and Prince.
In all, I have an abundance to be thankful for. I am hopeful for what 2019 will bring too me.
I got the new Apple Pencil and I’m using it to hand write my blog posts. Feels a little awkward at first, but I like that I can scratch out new posts as if on paper, which I really like. I love the feel of handwriting my thoughts, the scratch of ink pen on paper. This is almost the same thing. Hopefully this will speed up the writing process.
Today I wrote in my journal twenty-five journaling prompts. None of them really sparked much. But then I ended up writing 4 pages on journaling and how my topics have changed over the years. I’m no longer searching for a relationship, I had one for over ten years. I don’t need anyone to complete me.
So having nothing to write about turned into 4 pages of reflecting on the past and changes in attitude.
Hmmm, what if I actively try to change myself. Try to cut negativity, document my life, my successes, my failures. Going to try to use this site more and more. Try to live life to the fullest, and give up on beating myself up. Let go of the anger I feel towards myself and others. Honestly, it scares me.