Made small forward momentum on a goal that I set for myself years ago. No details yet, just exhilarating excitement.
I originally set this blog up in 2001 to be a place to talk about my life and the adventures I would have. I feel it has devolved into a place where I log my depression and anxiety over the life that could have been.
While mental health is important and I will try to post articles I believe important or interesting, i want more for this site. I will attempt to find that internal voice to tell my story again. I want this place to be a place of life and art that I find or create myself. Not just a place to incessantly whine about what could have been but isn’t. Does that make sense? I hope so.
I’ve been having weird dreams lately. Strange dreams of me being in school again, and not knowing which class I’m supposed to be in or where the room is located. Being stranded because someone stole one (just one?) of my crutches. Like I said, weird!
Plus I’m getting phone calls in my dream from a friend that has passed away. I wake up wishing I could call this friend. I hear Jimmy’s laugh in my dream and I wake up missing him. It is a tribute to him that the ting I remember and dream about is his laughter.
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I’m noticing that my writing changes when typing here versus handwriting it in a journal. I’m much more descriptive in my journal. It feels more connected, like my soul is pouring on to the page.
I’ve been blocked for years as a writer. Feeling like I have nothing worth saying. I resolved in 2019 to write, to move beyond this blocked feeling, to write no matter what. I picked up creative writing books. I read them. I am not sure I totally agree with some the new age thinking in them. But I am writing again, 30+ journal pages and a few scattered blog posts in just 16 days is a win in my book.
I’m still finding my voice. Not sure what to write about most days, but I pour my heart and mind out on the journal pages. Going to force myself to do things to spark the writing bug. I may actually have to go outside again shudder. A friend expressed how they missed writing on LiveJournal. I couldn’t agree more. Blogging is a dead art, people opt for the short form social media of Facebook and Twitter. I want to change that for myself. Honestly, if I didn’t use Facebook and Twitter to keep in touch with friends I would abandon the platforms entirely. I’d rather write here.
Studying more ways to keep a journal. I know there is more I could be doing. Goals, money, personal time, etc. Don’t force it is what I’m finding. Swapping out journals at the beginning of the year. Which I didn’t do this year.
Topics are still difficult for me. Maybe some pages will be lists. Who knows, maybe a music journal, or other topics I haven’t found yet.