Starting 2019 with feeling grateful for the things I have in life. Nothing seems to go right, but I am thankful for family and friends, my dog Georgie, and that I have a place to lay my head at night.
I’m grateful that I get to spend mornings with my grandma having toast and coffee. She’s 95 and is an inspiration for how to live your life and be thankful for everything in it.
I wouldn’t be where I am today without my family. They have stood by me no matter the circumstances. I have a roof over my head and people who love me. I am proud to call them family. We don’t always agree, but we get along and love each other.
I’m thankful for my friend, Pepe. Always working hard towards his goal or pursuing art as his passion. He’s always got a kind word or an encouraging way of looking at things. We’ve been friends for almost 35 years, and I consider him family. We share a passion for writing, creating, and contributing our art to the universe. We share a love of comics, movies, conventions, and Prince.
In all, I have an abundance to be thankful for. I am hopeful for what 2019 will bring too me.
I got the new Apple Pencil and I’m using it to hand write my blog posts. Feels a little awkward at first, but I like that I can scratch out new posts as if on paper, which I really like. I love the feel of handwriting my thoughts, the scratch of ink pen on paper. This is almost the same thing. Hopefully this will speed up the writing process.
Today I wrote in my journal twenty-five journaling prompts. None of them really sparked much. But then I ended up writing 4 pages on journaling and how my topics have changed over the years. I’m no longer searching for a relationship, I had one for over ten years. I don’t need anyone to complete me.
So having nothing to write about turned into 4 pages of reflecting on the past and changes in attitude.
Hmmm, what if I actively try to change myself. Try to cut negativity, document my life, my successes, my failures. Going to try to use this site more and more. Try to live life to the fullest, and give up on beating myself up. Let go of the anger I feel towards myself and others. Honestly, it scares me.
It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 16 years since I started this site. It had more of a purpose when I first put it together. It was a place that my fiancé and I posted stories of our life. Those posts are mostly hidden right now and you won’t find them here.
I don’t really do much advocating for disabled people anymore. My life has shifted, and I don’t focus on my disability. Not that I don’t have some issues, I just choose not to let it be the focus of my life.
I have to give a shout out to StephtheGeek, she was the inspiration for my starting this site. You are awesome Steph, much love to you. I met many of my online friends through you and I am eternally grateful for all your little site did for me.
Truthfully, I’m struggling trying to make this site more relevant. The days of blogs are over I fear. If you don’t have a relevant topic to talk about there is not much to publish that is worthwhile. But I’m going to ramble anyway, who cares if anyone is listening?
Facebook is the juggernaut of the web these days. Personally, if I didn’t use it to connect with friends, I would ditch Facebook. Possibly, I will just use this place as a dumping ground for my writing. Maybe one day I will have a more interesting life to chronicle here, who knows, it could happen.
I try to keep busy and look for work every day. Most days I apply for one or two jobs. The waiting is what gets to me and sends my anxiety level through the roof. I exercise and read to keep my mind off of my troubles. Some days I’m more successful than others.
I write, but only a day-to-day journal of my thoughts and fears. My creativity feels like it has stalled. I wish I could come up with more ideas of how to manage my daily stress. Diet is a factor, but being out in the boonies with no access to healthier foods is a definite hinderance. I do take vitamins and a plethora of medications, and I have cut back on sugar. I am trying in small ways to make healthier choices.
Part of me knows that my situation is only temporary and I will eventually find work. I just want to stay healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’m not giving up, just feeling like I’m moving too slow.
I’ve tried to write on a regular basis lately. A friend mentioned how difficult that can be when you’re depressed. I tend to agree, although I’ve read books and articles that recommend channeling your feelings into your writing.
I find that to be a sound idea that is much harder to do than it sounds. I don’t want my writing to reflect the sadness and anger I feel on a daily basis. It may be “where I am” right now. But I refuse to let it define who I am. So if I’m quiet here for extended periods, it’s because I don’t want to put my sad, angry, or whiny feelings here. Maybe I’m wrong? I’ve been wrong a lot lately.
I’m going through a lot of emotions lately. Not all of them happy or fun. As I keep trying to put my life back together, sometimes unsuccessfully. Jobs are hard to find, I live in an area outside of the civilized world. Much of the time I am isolated, alone, and lonely. I do my best to be productive and move forward as best I can given these circumstances.
Some days I get very down. I find it hard to keep going. I listen to the trains outside my window. Resisting the urge to give up. I try to write on a regular basis, some days it’s all I can do to just get myself out of bed and dressed in the morning. Days like today.
I’m in the process of finding a new doctor to help me cope with all the feelings and internal turmoil I’m dealing with everyday. As I search I try to remind myself to be thankful every day. Thankful for family, friends, and all the things that I sometimes take for granted. I know that if it were not for more than a few of you people I wouldn’t be here anymore. I’m not going to call anybody out. If you know me and what my life has been like, then you know who you are. So let me just say “thank you”, because I know I don’t say it enough. I’m have a lack for words for what you all mean to me and not wanting to get all sappy limits me. But thank you to all of you. I pray things will get better. No idea how right now. But I’m still searching for answers. Thanks to you.
I’m sure you’ve heard it before from artist type people. That the things the create whether it be music, films, stories, or whatever, they always say things like “My creations are like my children.” It turns out, for me at least, it’s a somewhat a true statement. I’m finding hard to edit, change, or cut parts of my writings. Part of me holds on to things I’ve created. Regardless of whether it may be crap.
I’m at that point where changing things might be a good thing. Nothing has been set in stone by publishing. It should be easy, right? It’s not, for me anyway. They may be redheaded stepchildren. But they’re my redheaded stepchildren (apologies to any redhead who may be reading this.) So I’m considering looking for an editor. Failing that I may pass off a few things to my friends who write if they are willing to wade through it all. I guess I’m looking for the diamond in the rough, so to speak. There has to be at least one…somewhere.
Maybe someday I can be like George Lucas and destroy someone’s childhood memories of my work?