I’ve been blocked for years as a writer. Feeling like I have nothing worth saying. I resolved in 2019 to write, to move beyond this blocked feeling, to write no matter what. I picked up creative writing books. I read them. I am not sure I totally agree with some the new age thinking in them. But I am writing again, 30+ journal pages and a few scattered blog posts in just 16 days is a win in my book.
I’m still finding my voice. Not sure what to write about most days, but I pour my heart and mind out on the journal pages. Going to force myself to do things to spark the writing bug. I may actually have to go outside again shudder. A friend expressed how they missed writing on LiveJournal. I couldn’t agree more. Blogging is a dead art, people opt for the short form social media of Facebook and Twitter. I want to change that for myself. Honestly, if I didn’t use Facebook and Twitter to keep in touch with friends I would abandon the platforms entirely. I’d rather write here.
Studying more ways to keep a journal. I know there is more I could be doing. Goals, money, personal time, etc. Don’t force it is what I’m finding. Swapping out journals at the beginning of the year. Which I didn’t do this year.
Topics are still difficult for me. Maybe some pages will be lists. Who knows, maybe a music journal, or other topics I haven’t found yet.
Starting 2019 with feeling grateful for the things I have in life. Nothing seems to go right, but I am thankful for family and friends, my dog Georgie, and that I have a place to lay my head at night.
I’m grateful that I get to spend mornings with my grandma having toast and coffee. She’s 95 and is an inspiration for how to live your life and be thankful for everything in it.
I wouldn’t be where I am today without my family. They have stood by me no matter the circumstances. I have a roof over my head and people who love me. I am proud to call them family. We don’t always agree, but we get along and love each other.
I’m thankful for my friend, Pepe. Always working hard towards his goal or pursuing art as his passion. He’s always got a kind word or an encouraging way of looking at things. We’ve been friends for almost 35 years, and I consider him family. We share a passion for writing, creating, and contributing our art to the universe. We share a love of comics, movies, conventions, and Prince.
In all, I have an abundance to be thankful for. I am hopeful for what 2019 will bring too me.
I got the new Apple Pencil and I’m using it to hand write my blog posts. Feels a little awkward at first, but I like that I can scratch out new posts as if on paper, which I really like. I love the feel of handwriting my thoughts, the scratch of ink pen on paper. This is almost the same thing. Hopefully this will speed up the writing process.
Today I wrote in my journal twenty-five journaling prompts. None of them really sparked much. But then I ended up writing 4 pages on journaling and how my topics have changed over the years. I’m no longer searching for a relationship, I had one for over ten years. I don’t need anyone to complete me.
So having nothing to write about turned into 4 pages of reflecting on the past and changes in attitude.
Hmmm, what if I actively try to change myself. Try to cut negativity, document my life, my successes, my failures. Going to try to use this site more and more. Try to live life to the fullest, and give up on beating myself up. Let go of the anger I feel towards myself and others. Honestly, it scares me.
It’s been a while since I really updated this site with anything personal. I’ve written mostly with pen and ink in my journal. Most of it is really personal and would not be of any interest to anyone.
I spend my days applying for jobs in San Francisco and Seattle, to no avail. I usually get a “no thank you” email from them company or no response at all. It’s very discouraging. I’m well qualified for these jobs, I just can’t seem to get my foot in the door. I’ve rewritten my résumé to showcase different skills, but nothing seems to matter.
Last weekend I went to the Santa Clarita Comics and Toy Expo. It was a small, first year show. Had a great time meeting everyone. The one drawback is I fell really hard on my right hip and injured it pretty bad. It’s been a week and I still hurt a lot. The pain in my hip and groin is making it difficult to stand, walk, and balance myself. Going to have to start a regiment of Aleve pain killers.
I’ve tried to write on a regular basis lately. A friend mentioned how difficult that can be when you’re depressed. I tend to agree, although I’ve read books and articles that recommend channeling your feelings into your writing.
I find that to be a sound idea that is much harder to do than it sounds. I don’t want my writing to reflect the sadness and anger I feel on a daily basis. It may be “where I am” right now. But I refuse to let it define who I am. So if I’m quiet here for extended periods, it’s because I don’t want to put my sad, angry, or whiny feelings here. Maybe I’m wrong? I’ve been wrong a lot lately.
I’m going through a lot of emotions lately. Not all of them happy or fun. As I keep trying to put my life back together, sometimes unsuccessfully. Jobs are hard to find, I live in an area outside of the civilized world. Much of the time I am isolated, alone, and lonely. I do my best to be productive and move forward as best I can given these circumstances.
Some days I get very down. I find it hard to keep going. I listen to the trains outside my window. Resisting the urge to give up. I try to write on a regular basis, some days it’s all I can do to just get myself out of bed and dressed in the morning. Days like today.
I’m in the process of finding a new doctor to help me cope with all the feelings and internal turmoil I’m dealing with everyday. As I search I try to remind myself to be thankful every day. Thankful for family, friends, and all the things that I sometimes take for granted. I know that if it were not for more than a few of you people I wouldn’t be here anymore. I’m not going to call anybody out. If you know me and what my life has been like, then you know who you are. So let me just say “thank you”, because I know I don’t say it enough. I’m have a lack for words for what you all mean to me and not wanting to get all sappy limits me. But thank you to all of you. I pray things will get better. No idea how right now. But I’m still searching for answers. Thanks to you.