I’m being successful at writing more often. I started daily meditation. I’ve been feeling better. Then I woke up with anxiety this morning. Not sure what the trigger was, but I am feeling anxiety and depression. Trying my best to focus on the positive changes I have made and not the feelings I have right now.
Hmmm, what if I actively try to change myself. Try to cut negativity, document my life, my successes, my failures. Going to try to use this site more and more. Try to live life to the fullest, and give up on beating myself up. Let go of the anger I feel towards myself and others. Honestly, it scares me.
It’s been a while since I put a real post on these pages concerning my life. Mostly I guess because I felt I didn’t have much to say. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for most of my life and lately it’s been a real struggle to stay motivated.
In order to keep moving forward I began some online courses to practice my skills and learn a few new ones in the process. I looked into actual schooling, but the $13,000 price tag has sort of put that on the back burner for now. I recently blew a head gasket on my car and the repairs came top a whopping $2700, which I will be paying off for quite some time.
I spent the weekend revamping my websites, and my next step is to rewrite my resume for the umpteenth time. Not looking forward to this.
I’ve also been bidding on jobs on www.freelancer.com Probably won’t make a lot of money, but every little bit helps. I’m also doing this to keep my skills fresh and to keep busy.
I’m tired, that is the hardest part of dealing with everything. I’m trying to stay positive and move forward. But truthfully it’s taking all I have. If not for family and the one close friend nearby, I don’t think I’d be doing as well as I am. So I’ll trudge forward and keep on going.
This is a fantastic project. I wish they had these rooms at some of the ComicCons I go too. It’s great to see these rooms make a public statement, so many times mental health is swept under the rug or not talked about at all.
Just applied for a job at Facebook in Seattle. I also applied for a job at PACCAR in Bellevue Washington, a company I worked at in the 90’s. I am hopeful that I will hear something from them soon. My stress level is through the roof right now. But I’m continuing to keep busy, I just wish something would pan out for me.
I try to keep busy and look for work every day. Most days I apply for one or two jobs. The waiting is what gets to me and sends my anxiety level through the roof. I exercise and read to keep my mind off of my troubles. Some days I’m more successful than others.
I write, but only a day-to-day journal of my thoughts and fears. My creativity feels like it has stalled. I wish I could come up with more ideas of how to manage my daily stress. Diet is a factor, but being out in the boonies with no access to healthier foods is a definite hinderance. I do take vitamins and a plethora of medications, and I have cut back on sugar. I am trying in small ways to make healthier choices.
Part of me knows that my situation is only temporary and I will eventually find work. I just want to stay healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually. I’m not giving up, just feeling like I’m moving too slow.
Doing my best to keep my life together. I’m still here, so I guess that counts as something. But I’m not happy, and that makes me feel like a failure.
Connections that I thought I had made have fallen apart. I’m not smart enough or rich enough I guess. That hurts so much. I may have failed there. But I love, too much maybe. So I’m alone. It would be better if I didn’t hate myself but I don’t know how to do that, never have felt “good enough”.
I’m also trying to let go of the past. It was so much easier when I felt loved. Now it’s a daily struggle just to get out of bed and stay out in the morning. All I can say is don’t take people for granted, when they’re gone it hurts. So much so that I wish I were dead some days. But love is fickle I guess, and maybe it’s not what I thought it would be? I don’t know.