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Category: Feeling

Radioactive = No Super Powers

Radioactive = No Super Powers

I had my second nuclear stress test today. They pumped me full of radioactive stuff and stressed my heart to take video of how it is functioning. It left me feeling weak and dizzy for the rest of the day. The bummer is, I don’t get super powers.

The bonus is, I get fuzzy snuggles while resting. I’d rather it was a cute girl, but whatever.

Searching for Writing Prompts

Searching for Writing Prompts

Today I wrote in my journal twenty-five journaling prompts. None of them really sparked much. But then I ended up writing 4 pages on journaling and how my topics have changed over the years. I’m no longer searching for a relationship, I had one for over ten years. I don’t need anyone to complete me.

So having nothing to write about turned into 4 pages  of reflecting on the past and changes in attitude.

A New Year, A New Outlook

A New Year, A New Outlook

Hmmm, what if I actively try to change myself. Try to cut negativity, document my life, my successes, my failures. Going to try to use this site more and more. Try to live life to the fullest, and give up on beating myself up. Let go of the anger I feel towards myself and others. Honestly, it scares me.

Trying and Failing

Trying and Failing

Doing my best to keep my life together. I’m still here, so I guess that counts as something. But I’m not happy, and that makes me feel like a failure.

Connections that I thought I had made have fallen apart. I’m not smart enough or rich enough I guess. That hurts so much. I may have failed there. But I love, too much maybe. So I’m alone. It would be better if I didn’t hate myself but I don’t know how to do that, never have felt “good enough”.

I’m also trying to let go of the past. It was so much easier when I felt loved. Now it’s a daily struggle just to get out of bed and stay out in the morning. All I can say is don’t take people for granted, when they’re gone it hurts. So much so that I wish I were dead some days. But love is fickle I guess, and maybe it’s not what I thought it would be? I don’t know.

Trying and Failing

Trying and Failing

Doing my best to keep my life together. I’m still here, so I guess that counts as something. But I’m not happy, and that makes me feel like a failure.

Connections that I thought I had made have fallen apart. I’m not smart enough or rich enough I guess. That hurts so much. I may have failed there. But I love, too much maybe. So I’m alone. It would be better if I didn’t hate myself but I don’t know how to do that, never have felt “good enough”.

I’m also trying to let go of the past. It was so much easier when I felt loved. Now it’s a daily struggle just to get out of bed and stay out in the morning. All I can say is don’t take people for granted, when they’re gone it hurts. So much so that I wish I were dead some days. But love is fickle I guess, and maybe it’s not what I thought it would be? I don’t know.

Stupid

Stupid

I let my emotions get away from me. Five years of controlled response gone at the first hope of love.

I cannot be the person someone needs if I can’t control my feelings. Hard lesson to learn.

Numb

Numb

I feel numb. The things I thought were real have been yanked away, again. Once again I am working without a net.

The universe is cruel to people that don’t deserve it. People who are not bad, but struggle, some days just to survive.

I still care, but I’m unable to put things into words right now. I am whining, yes, I don’t care. The tears are flowing again. It’s not felt like this in a long time.

But this is what happens when you remove the armor from around a vulnerable heart. A fools folly I guess. So I’ll leave it here to remind me to be smarter and a little less foolish.