I’ve been blocked for years as a writer. Feeling like I have nothing worth saying. I resolved in 2019 to write, to move beyond this blocked feeling, to write no matter what. I picked up creative writing books. I read them. I am not sure I totally agree with some the new age thinking in them. But I am writing again, 30+ journal pages and a few scattered blog posts in just 16 days is a win in my book.
I’m still finding my voice. Not sure what to write about most days, but I pour my heart and mind out on the journal pages. Going to force myself to do things to spark the writing bug. I may actually have to go outside again shudder. A friend expressed how they missed writing on LiveJournal. I couldn’t agree more. Blogging is a dead art, people opt for the short form social media of Facebook and Twitter. I want to change that for myself. Honestly, if I didn’t use Facebook and Twitter to keep in touch with friends I would abandon the platforms entirely. I’d rather write here.
Today I wrote in my journal twenty-five journaling prompts. None of them really sparked much. But then I ended up writing 4 pages on journaling and how my topics have changed over the years. I’m no longer searching for a relationship, I had one for over ten years. I don’t need anyone to complete me.
So having nothing to write about turned into 4 pages of reflecting on the past and changes in attitude.
Hmmm, what if I actively try to change myself. Try to cut negativity, document my life, my successes, my failures. Going to try to use this site more and more. Try to live life to the fullest, and give up on beating myself up. Let go of the anger I feel towards myself and others. Honestly, it scares me.
I’ve had a long day. I’m tired. I also feel sad for no apparent reason. Usually I know what has got me down. But honestly, other a few things that completely out of my control, it’s been a good week. So why do I feel like crying?
I feel numb. The things I thought were real have been yanked away, again. Once again I am working without a net.
The universe is cruel to people that don’t deserve it. People who are not bad, but struggle, some days just to survive.
I still care, but I’m unable to put things into words right now. I am whining, yes, I don’t care. The tears are flowing again. It’s not felt like this in a long time.
But this is what happens when you remove the armor from around a vulnerable heart. A fools folly I guess. So I’ll leave it here to remind me to be smarter and a little less foolish.