Yep
“You’re focussing on the negative…Be mindful of your thoughts.”
Obi-wan Kenobi
Adventures in Journaling
Studying more ways to keep a journal. I know there is more I could be doing. Goals, money, personal time, etc. Don’t force it is what I’m finding. Swapping out journals at the beginning of the year. Which I didn’t do this year.
Topics are still difficult for me. Maybe some pages will be lists. Who knows, maybe a music journal, or other topics I haven’t found yet.
Searching for Writing Prompts
Today I wrote in my journal twenty-five journaling prompts. None of them really sparked much. But then I ended up writing 4 pages on journaling and how my topics have changed over the years. I’m no longer searching for a relationship, I had one for over ten years. I don’t need anyone to complete me.
So having nothing to write about turned into 4 pages of reflecting on the past and changes in attitude.
A New Year, A New Outlook
Hmmm, what if I actively try to change myself. Try to cut negativity, document my life, my successes, my failures. Going to try to use this site more and more. Try to live life to the fullest, and give up on beating myself up. Let go of the anger I feel towards myself and others. Honestly, it scares me.
It’s Been A Long Strange Trip
It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 16 years since I started this site. It had more of a purpose when I first put it together. It was a place that my fiancé and I posted stories of our life. Those posts are mostly hidden right now and you won’t find them here.
I don’t really do much advocating for disabled people anymore. My life has shifted, and I don’t focus on my disability. Not that I don’t have some issues, I just choose not to let it be the focus of my life.
I have to give a shout out to StephtheGeek, she was the inspiration for my starting this site. You are awesome Steph, much love to you. I met many of my online friends through you and I am eternally grateful for all your little site did for me.
Truthfully, I’m struggling trying to make this site more relevant. The days of blogs are over I fear. If you don’t have a relevant topic to talk about there is not much to publish that is worthwhile. But I’m going to ramble anyway, who cares if anyone is listening?
Facebook is the juggernaut of the web these days. Personally, if I didn’t use it to connect with friends, I would ditch Facebook. Possibly, I will just use this place as a dumping ground for my writing. Maybe one day I will have a more interesting life to chronicle here, who knows, it could happen.
Trying and Failing
Doing my best to keep my life together. I’m still here, so I guess that counts as something. But I’m not happy, and that makes me feel like a failure.
Connections that I thought I had made have fallen apart. I’m not smart enough or rich enough I guess. That hurts so much. I may have failed there. But I love, too much maybe. So I’m alone. It would be better if I didn’t hate myself but I don’t know how to do that, never have felt “good enough”.
I’m also trying to let go of the past. It was so much easier when I felt loved. Now it’s a daily struggle just to get out of bed and stay out in the morning. All I can say is don’t take people for granted, when they’re gone it hurts. So much so that I wish I were dead some days. But love is fickle I guess, and maybe it’s not what I thought it would be? I don’t know.
Trying and Failing
Doing my best to keep my life together. I’m still here, so I guess that counts as something. But I’m not happy, and that makes me feel like a failure.
Connections that I thought I had made have fallen apart. I’m not smart enough or rich enough I guess. That hurts so much. I may have failed there. But I love, too much maybe. So I’m alone. It would be better if I didn’t hate myself but I don’t know how to do that, never have felt “good enough”.
I’m also trying to let go of the past. It was so much easier when I felt loved. Now it’s a daily struggle just to get out of bed and stay out in the morning. All I can say is don’t take people for granted, when they’re gone it hurts. So much so that I wish I were dead some days. But love is fickle I guess, and maybe it’s not what I thought it would be? I don’t know.
Numb
I feel numb. The things I thought were real have been yanked away, again. Once again I am working without a net.
The universe is cruel to people that don’t deserve it. People who are not bad, but struggle, some days just to survive.
I still care, but I’m unable to put things into words right now. I am whining, yes, I don’t care. The tears are flowing again. It’s not felt like this in a long time.
But this is what happens when you remove the armor from around a vulnerable heart. A fools folly I guess. So I’ll leave it here to remind me to be smarter and a little less foolish.
Hello old friend…
Self-doubt…
Foreign
A foreign emotion has made a place in my life. I’d forgotten what it feels like to be happy.
I feel strong and positive for the first time in years. Reconnecting with an old friend, kind words, and just talking has lifted me up. It’s hard to put it into words how I felt before and how it’s changed now. But it feels almost tangible.
