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Feeling better

Feeling better

The anxiety has lifted for the most part thanks to resting for the day. We were suppose to head to the coast today. But nobody felt like doing it. Allergies are hitting everyone here at home very hard. That coupled with my anxiety really made today extremely uncomfortable. A quiet day without a media barrage of any type, no reading, chatting, music, or television, helped me deal with all of it.

Going to spend the night working on an outline for a potential project I have running around in my brain. Going to try to get it on paper. It’s a step forward, a small one, but I’ll take it. I always seem to have a post convention drop in my creativity and motivation. Only today felt like a particularly bad meltdown. Hoping that I can do something to salvage it and point myself to a more productive path.

I think I know what’s bothering me. But I don’t think I’m going to write about it just yet. I need to come to terms with it emotionally before I do anything like that. I doubt anyone here would really care. But just the same I want to wait.

Scars

Scars

More than a physical remnant of an injury scars are a reminder of what was. I was looking at my legs tonight. I have approximately 13 scars from various surgical procedures performed on me in my childhood. I think back to the summers I spent in hospitals. It was never a good time, never fun.

The first thing that comes to mind is the pain. I can’t begin to describe the intense and unending pain of the first weeks after a surgery. Cuts not only of flesh but bones being cut broken and manipulated. I’m almost certain that my mind has blocked out the worst of it all. My mother has told of things that I have done and said during the times of immense stress. Some of it I have no memory at all.

I can remember the anxiety I felt at the time. Going to see the surgeon on a yearly basis. Agonizing about the fact that I was most likely going to have to endure the pain again. At times I wake up in a cold sweat, reliving in dreams the things I went through. Scars on my subconscious, I suppose.

I am thankful for a mother who was always there. I can only imagine the pain she went through watching all of these things take place. I am grateful she was there to be a support and an advocate when I needed it. I can remember her fighting for me when the pain was so great I felt I would go crazy. When the nurses would say I was overreacting as the pain in my knee was growing. She fought and argued until the plaster cast around my knee was removed to reveal a pressure sore which would have taken my leg. I still have that scar till this day.

My summers were spent in bed mostly. On my back in a plaster cast from the waist down. I read books by the dozen and watched a lot of 1960’s and 70’s TV. My memories are of Lord of the Rings, C.S. Lewis, John Carter of Mars, and Tarzan, as well as I Dream of Jeannie, Batman, The Six Million Dollar Man, Star Trek, and Gilligan’s Island. All of these were my summertime friends. To this day I still watch the reruns, they are a comforting memory for me.

I remember, I was probably 2 years old. The plaster was being sawed off my legs with the electric saw at the hospital. I knew that they had cut too deep. I was telling them so, my mother was saying so. They said it wasn’t so, but, they had cut so deep the saw had actually burned my leg from friction.

The car ride home from L.A. to the desert was about and hour and a half. The muscles in my legs atrophied from not having moved in 3 months. The muscles would contract involuntarily at the slightest touch or movement. The pain was almost as intense as it had been right after the surgery. But I do know that it didn’t last as long. I spent the months after this re-learning how to walk and do all the things I took for granted the year before. Am I better off after all of this? Most definitely. I would not be as mobile or coordinated as I am today without all of this.

I don’t think of these things very often. The red, puffy, and insanely itchy incision scars have faded to white. In some cases almost imperceptible. In others a sunken crevice on the maps that are my legs. A permanent reminder of where I have been in life.

Dredging up the past

Dredging up the past

I really needed to get the posts from my past blog up on the site. It is a record of my life that I wanted to keep and not let just vanish. What I didn’t need, right now anyway, was to read some of it.

There are some posts I read through today that have put me in a reflective frame of mind. Not many, just a few, but they highlight some of the more unhappy things that happened in the last 12 years. I’d forgotten they were there. They happened so I will leave them. They are a learning experience that should not be forgotten. Hopefully one day they won’t have the emotional impact on me that they had today.

I try not to dwell on or in the past and if I do I try to learn from my mistakes. For me that’s not any easy task. I take friendships and loyalty very serious. Like a lot of people, I have few people I consider to be true close friends. I can count them on the fingers of one hand. In the past three years those friendships and loyalties have been put to the test. Even so it’s hard for me to let go of people who I count among the few close friends or family.

Some friends have called me crazy for not letting go of people and things from my past. I guess maybe I am, it’s hard to not care about people, even the ones that may have hurt or betrayed me. I’m a believer that anything can be salvaged. It may not be the same as it was, then again maybe it will be better.

I am grateful for my friends and family. Even for the ones who may have hurt me.

My life, as it was then, as it is now (Part I)

My life, as it was then, as it is now (Part I)

I’m not sure what I want to put here. I moved from New York back to California last year. Quite literally starting over from scratch. Leaving almost everything and everyone I care about. I packed everything I could fit into my little Chevy and hit the road. Actually, this part was probably the most fun I’ve had in years. Driving picking my route along the way, I headed west.The first night I stayed just west of Cincinnati. I was a little irked that motels and other places were about $40 a night to the east. I ended up paying $80 where I stayed.

The next morning I was up and headed out on I-90, going through Indiana and Illinois to my destination in Wisconsin. My friend [info]brother_blaze graciously offered a place for me to crash for a few days and enjoy his hospitality. I enjoyed seeing his family again and visiting sites in and around Lodi, WI. Thank you, Blaze. I had some photos of the sculpture garden we visited, but I seem to have misplaced them.

I left Wisconsin a few days later. The thing I remember most was the beautiful country I traveled through. The trip across the bridge spanning the Missouri River was breath-taking. I stopped for the night in Rushmore, South Dakota. My only complaint was not having access to much Wi-Fi in some of the more remote places. When I did find, I imagined it was because they wired some of the cows with Wi-Fi like this:

Heading through South Dakota and Wyoming I stopped along way at Indian trading posts, western historical towns like Dead Wood, and even a car museum that had this:

and this:

It was a great place to stop just for a bit and have lunch. Dead Wood was one of the most interesting places. Maybe because I always wanted to be a cowboy when I was little. 🙂 One last picture I have to share from Wyoming (or Utah, not sure which) was this:

Seating at the local McDonalds
From Wyoming I continued home to California. More ore on that later…
A place to vent

A place to vent

I’ve been home for a little over a year. While I’m happy to be with family I can’t say it has been a success. I’m still looking for work in a terrible economy. California’s Unemployment is up to 12.9% according to last week’s figures.

I accidentally lost my website domain due to a lack of communication. Hopefully it will be rectified in the next week or so. But I will use this site to say what’s going on in my head.

It’s late, I’m tired. I’ll write more later.

Protected: More Family Photos

Protected: More Family Photos

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An old photo

An old photo

I found this while doing some cleaning and thought I’d put it here for posterity and safe keeping.

Uncle Denny and Linda Blair circa 1980's