I try to keep the things I publish here positive. Not always an easy task. I could complain and gripe about people and things that aren’t going well in my life. But honestly, that doesn’t get me anywhere, and I do get some of that stuff out in my pen and ink journal. Some days it’s hard to be positive. So I have chosen to stay silent mostly. But I want to revive this site and force myself to open up and publish more, even if no one reads this stuff.
I vowed to be productive today. It didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. Sitting here alone isn’t helping. But I’m feeling like I’m limited in my options. There is nobody here to talk with, my family doesn’t understand or is so wrapped up in their lives, they don’t have time.
I do know that everyone is having difficult times these days. I am not alone in that respect. I’m not going into anymore detail than this, not here at least. Yes, I’m whining, I know that, but I feel like I need to just write this out, regardless of whether it gets read, ignored, or whatever. I don’t really care. Maybe getting this out, even if it’s just here will help, just a little.
I decided to move some work related files off my web host and onto my laptop. I need to start building things locally. I don’t like using my personal resources for these types of job. It was necessary in this instance though. Let me just say one thing…my Internet provider sucks.
Being stuck out here in the Mojave Desert it’s my only option. But it’s so damn slow. I started the transfer of files about 45 minutes ago. But instead of going down, the que of files to move keeps going up. At this rate I should be done around bedtime in 5 hours give or take. I want to move, I hate this, it’s not conducive to running a business. Verizon and other providers need to get off their collective butts and expand services out here. But I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Though there have been rumors of something coming soon, I have yet to see evidence of it.
The High Desert Santa Ana winds were in full effect today with gusts over 50 miles per hour. At this time of the year it seems like this happens about every other day. It makes a person not want to leave house for obvious reasons. Blowing sand can be very uncomfortable. It also makes people with allergies, like myself and my whole family miserable. Constant sneezing, dry, itchy eyes, coughing, and headaches, make life extremely unpleasant. Trying to work while dealing with all that is no fun. Of course we can try to find decent medications. But the good medicines make you sleepy and that’s not helpful when you’re trying to be productive.
I used to get weekly allergy medication injections as a child. I really don’t want to have to start them again. The main reason being that I’m 70 miles from my doctor and I can’t afford $4.25 per gallon for gas and they are predicting over $5 a gallon by Summer (Sheesh!). So, for the next couple of months it’s a matter of just working through the haze of allergies.
I need to pay closer attention while eating. I ate two Jelly Belly – Belly Flops without looking at them. The two flavors mixed came out to a nasty concoction that tasted like bile (isn’t that a Harry Potter thing?). Now that I’ve grossed everyone out my work is done for the evening.
Ugh. I hate allergies. Everyone in the family is having sinus problems. I’ve spent the day with a sinus headache. It feels like my eyes are going to pop out of my head. Not a fun day. Ever since I’ve returned to the desert my allergies have kicked into high gear every year around this time.
Having a bad morning. My depression and anxiety are peaking for unknown reasons. Why am I feeling like this? No idea. Just hoping it subsides so I can be more productive today. I hate sitting around feeling sad, tired, and anxious for no reason I can nail down. Things are not that bad. So why do I feel like everything is going to collapse?
EDIT: Maybe the anxiety is sparked by being broke after paying my bills?