I’ve been having weird dreams lately. Strange dreams of me being in school again, and not knowing which class I’m supposed to be in or where the room is located. Being stranded because someone stole one (just one?) of my crutches. Like I said, weird!
Plus I’m getting phone calls in my dream from a friend that has passed away. I wake up wishing I could call this friend. I hear Jimmy’s laugh in my dream and I wake up missing him. It is a tribute to him that the ting I remember and dream about is his laughter.
I’m being successful at writing more often. I started daily meditation. I’ve been feeling better. Then I woke up with anxiety this morning. Not sure what the trigger was, but I am feeling anxiety and depression. Trying my best to focus on the positive changes I have made and not the feelings I have right now.
I’m noticing that my writing changes when typing here versus handwriting it in a journal. I’m much more descriptive in my journal. It feels more connected, like my soul is pouring on to the page.
I’ve been blocked for years as a writer. Feeling like I have nothing worth saying. I resolved in 2019 to write, to move beyond this blocked feeling, to write no matter what. I picked up creative writing books. I read them. I am not sure I totally agree with some the new age thinking in them. But I am writing again, 30+ journal pages and a few scattered blog posts in just 16 days is a win in my book.
I’m still finding my voice. Not sure what to write about most days, but I pour my heart and mind out on the journal pages. Going to force myself to do things to spark the writing bug. I may actually have to go outside again shudder. A friend expressed how they missed writing on LiveJournal. I couldn’t agree more. Blogging is a dead art, people opt for the short form social media of Facebook and Twitter. I want to change that for myself. Honestly, if I didn’t use Facebook and Twitter to keep in touch with friends I would abandon the platforms entirely. I’d rather write here.
It has come to my attention that I never really discussed an important occurrence in my life.
In October 2015 I had a heart attack. I was at a friend place in San Francisco, apartment and cat sitting. I felt sick, and I wrote it off as having a bit of a cold. I walked 4 or 5 blocks to the drug store and bought cold medicine. Getting home I settled in to watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine when I suddenly felt as if a weight were pressing down on me. No matter what I did I couldn’t move. I felt sick to my stomach. I finally felt well enough to climb into bed and slept it off.
The next day I felt off. No matter what I did I couldn’t shake the sick feeling, I thought maybe it was the flu. But something in the back of my mind said I needed to get checked out. I literally dragged myself out of a loft bed and down the ladder and out to the street to hail a cab to the nearest hospital.
I walked into the waiting room and was soon admitted to the ER where I then waited for 12 hours while test after test was administered. At around midnight I was informed that due to an elevated Troponin level I appeared to have had a heart attack and was admitted to the ICU. I did not have chest pain, chest tightness, I had what the doctor called an atypical heart attack.
I was scheduled for an EKG and an ultrasound of my heart. Later that night I received a visit from the cardiac surgeon telling me that I needed an immediate stent operation that had a 20% chance of killing me, that’s much higher than the rate detailed online. I’d love to ask the surgeon why mine was so high. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I for the first time in my life was confronted with mortality. After processing this information I told the doctor to schedule the procedure.
I really wish I could’ve had someone there with me. I probably would’ve handled things like the DNR order better. I elected to have a DNR order. I just didn’t see the point at the time. But I figured with the chance of death and or stroke, I didn’t want to be a burden to my family or friends.
During the stent procedure I had a single stent inserted in to my left cardiac artery. I spent a couple of days recovering in the hospital and then went back to my friend’s place. I noticed almost immediately that my stamina and coloring improved. I have since had what my heart doctor called a “full metal jacket”, three stents in the front artery.
I’m still being treated for symptoms and this was the reason for yesterdays stress test. I will try to you up to date on my progress.